ABOUT ON BEING HUMAN An inspirational memoir about how Jennifer Pastiloff’s years of waitressing taught her to seek out unexpected beauty, how hearing loss taught her to listen fiercely, how being vulnerable allowed her to find love, and how imperfections can lead to a life full of wild happiness.
Centered around the touchstone stories Jen tells in her popular workshops, On Being Human is the story of how a starved person grew into the exuberant woman she was meant to be all along by battling the demons within and winning.
Jen did not intend to become a yoga teacher, but when she was given the opportunity to host her own retreats, she left her thirteen-year waitressing job and said “yes,” despite crippling fears of her inexperience and her own potential. After years of feeling depressed, anxious, and hopeless, in a life that seemed to have no escape, she healed her own heart by caring for others. She has learned to fiercely listen despite being nearly deaf, to banish shame attached to a body mass index, and to rebuild a family after the debilitating loss of her father when she was eight. Through her journey, Jen conveys the experience most of us are missing in our lives: being heard and being told, “I got you.”
Exuberant, triumphantly messy, and brave, On Being Human is a celebration of happiness and self-realization over darkness and doubt. Her complicated yet imperfectly perfect life path is an inspiration to live outside the box and to reject the all-too-common belief of “I am not enough.” Jen will help readers find, accept, and embrace their own vulnerability, bravery, and humanness.
At the end of the video is a questionnaire, a shortened version of the one on his website. If you have a high ACE score, you’ll score high on this one. But if your ACE score is low, but you still have the nagging sense that something was off, this is useful.
Last week I received the news that a dear friend had a stroke and was not found for days. This morning I learned that she passed away peacefully yesterday afternoon. So, a pause here and hopefully I can resume posting next week. But for now I grieve.
If you are so inclined, please pray for the repose of Pam Rushman’s soul. Eternal rest, grant unto her O Lord and let perpetual light shine upon her. May she they rest in peace. Amen.
When my kids were little and we went to the local park to play, there were almost always mothers who allowed their children, notably sons, to hit them. Oh, they’re only two or three years old, what’s the harm? The harm is patterns. The harm is not setting boundaries. The harm is allowing bad behavior to continue. There was recently a question in an online forum about how to stop a kindergartner from coming into the bathroom while the mom was doing her business. When she shut the child out, the child got mad.
If you want to break generational cycles, you need to pay
attention to the things that don’t seem directly related. Now if your
three-year-old son is hitting you and there is a generational cycle of domestic
violence whether or not it is in your
current household, allowing him to hit you is perpetuating that cycle. That
is a direct connection.
The bathroom behavior is indirect. It’s not directly about abuse. It is, however, about boundaries and privacy. Those are big issues if you want to break cycles. Another is making sure that “No” is respected. Does your child keep going with obnoxious behavior when a sibling or friend has asked them to stop? They need to learn to respect the limits of others. No means No. If you have boundary issues, read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townshend. Teach your children to treat others the way that they want to be treated.
Worried that your child will be mad at you? So what?! They will get over it and so will you. Having a kid mad at you is not the worst thing in the world. It’s not pleasant, but it won’t last forever and it says something about your tolerance for unpleasant emotions. Think of that tolerance as a muscle to build up in order to change unhealthy patterns. Your job is to break the cycle, teach them personal boundaries, to not hurt other people, and a sense of privacy. This can be done gently and with kindness. You don’t break unhealthy patterns by yelling or losing patience. Chances are you were not allowed your anger and it turned into rage, often stored in your body. Allow your child healthy anger. It won’t consume them or you. Get help to build up your tolerance or if you have problems controlling anger.
The other situation is learning to recognize when others are abusing your child. For this, you need to come to terms with who people are in your family. No more denial. Did a narcissist raise you? Their behavior was not only about you. When they speak to your child the same way they did to you, it may be time for limited contact and if they do not respect your boundaries, consider going no contact. Here are affirmations for that process. Again, you will likely need an impartial third party for guidance and support, which is why a good trauma therapist is so important to ending the cycle.
You and your partner (if you have one) need to be on the
same page. You don’t need pages of rules, but you do need some. Sit down and
write out 6-10 household rules for everyone (adults included).
It’s not easy being consistent and if that’s difficult, please ask for support from a counselor, parent group, therapist, grandparents. See what resources are available through your child’s school. Take parenting classes. There are lots of resources available in person and online. It will be worth all of the effort.
Many people who were abused as children experience pain symptoms, either acutely or chronically. Most common are headaches and back pain. Now it is suggested that in both cases, patients who experience migraines and/or chronic low back pain be screened for child abuse.
My experience with pain as part of the fallout stems from CSA (child sexual abuse). I’ve written about the most dramatic manifestation that appeared while I was in college.
From my upcoming memoir, Baggage Claim:
When I’m a freshman in college, after a year of the stabbing agony of sex not getting better, I see the doctor at the clinic at UCSD. She mentions that she has one other female student my age with the same complaint and no answers for either of us. There is nothing physically wrong.
Later that week, I sit in my parents’ front room, unchanged from when we moved in, on the Naugahyde sectional, and tell my mother about the pain. She’s not only an R.N., but our own personal medical expert. No matter how strained things get, all three of her children rely on her to answer all medical questions.
I’m on one side of a large handmade lamp with a base made from a plain Balthazar-sized green wine bottle with a beige shantung shade handmade by our former neighbor. My mother sits on the other side in her brown and tan lounge chair doing counted cross-stitch as she calmly tells me that one of my half-brothers molested me when I was three. I am surprised to find that I am not surprised. I’m mostly numb, the hot anger of “how could you let that happen?” does not arise. It’s not safe to show emotion in front of her. I know somewhere hidden inside of me it does not make sense that she, who prided herself on being a nurse and caretaker, who was an incest survivor abused for a dozen years by her stepfather, would allow it under her roof.
Baggage Claim by Diane Sherlock
After my mother told me about the abuse, the pain vanished. I still experience low back pain when I’m dredging up the past to write and mid-back pain when I go through extended lonely periods and feel unloved. My trauma therapist taught me that self-compassion goes a very long way in healing mind, body, and spirit.
Here’s Peter Levine on traumatic memory and the body (it’s only 4 min):
Emotions are stored in the body and when there’s been trauma, the body does what it can to signal there’s a problem and one of the most common signals is pain. Thankfully there are somatic therapists, rolfers, physical therapists, and yoga instructors who have been studying trauma and how emotions become locked in the body, developing a number of ways to release them. One of the most common releases is to complete the gesture that was originally ineffective, such as the motion to push away a stronger person. Completing the entire motion is often effective in allowing the emotion to leave the body. Here’s another case study using running and temper tantrum gestures. As the case study notes, caution must be exercised in cases where there’s dissociation, psychosis, or BPD and then only proceed with a trained trauma therapist or find other solutions.